the end

I have come to the end of this blog. I think. I think that I have nothing more to say here. I have struggled with it of late as I really feel I can't write what I think or feel. There seem to be many things that I shouldn't say in fear of upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing.


Sometimes I feel isolated from this community, for many reasons. Sometimes it is too hard to be here. And while its to hard talk about Alice to people in the real world, sometimes its too hard to talk about all my children here in this community.

I will be always a bit different now. Forever changed. Holding your baby while she takes a tiny, gentle breaths in your arms and dies a few hours later will do that.

During this year, I have got to find out how badly people handle the death of a baby. How families and friends forget anniversaries. The days passing without a word. Nothing. I didn't want in depth phone calls or essays but, an sms or a card would have been enough. Or an email or a message. That would have meant something. I guess that in a few years, only a handful of people will remember Alice Buttons. And I shouldn't expect that they will remember her - their worlds didn't stop when she was born and died. She was their lunch time conversation or a pitying chat over coffee. To us she is our daughter, the one that didn't get the chance to grow and love and live. The daughter that will always be a tiny baby that died in my arms.


But during this year, I have got to find a whole community of women and men that have also had their hearts ripped from their chests and shoved back in, with big parts missing. I thank you all for your support and kindness over the last year. I will follow your journeys and hope that we all get a happy ending, one day.


I may be back. I may not. But thank you for being here with me.

one year

One year today that Alice Buttons was born. One year. One long year and sometimes, one short year. One year of thinking about her every day. One year of missing her every day. One year of mourning the life that we should have had with her.

One year in what will be a life time without her.

Thank you for remembering Alice Buttons today.

today

Today, one year ago we were getting ready for our 20 week scan. Today is the day that our lives changed forever.

I don't want to remember this week, the horrible days. I don't want to remember holding my husband, barely standing, leaving the OBs rooms, knowing that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I don't want to remember this week but, I never want to forget our Alice Buttons.

the sweet boy...

I cannot understand or imagine. All I can do is sit and cry, cry for the sweet baby Jet and for his Mama and Papa.

Life can be shit, really shit.

Howling his name. Jet. Sweet Jet.

Our Ezra

I know we are all thinking of Sarah and David today - holding them close and wishing that today was a very different day. I know we are thinking of that beautiful little boy Ezra with that smile on his face. And I know that we feel that horrible feeling in the pit of our stomachs and deep in our hearts when we think about what happened.

I know that Sarah knows that we are thinking of her. I know that somehow all the warm thoughts and sad thoughts and feelings of support and strength are floating around the world, wrapping around her and holding her tight.

I found Sarah a little while after Alice died. She has been truly wonderful. She is sweet and generous and kind and I wish that we had meet under very different circumstances. Perhaps sitting next to each other on a flight one day (I used to fly a lot in the US) ? Or when she decided to holiday in NSW? Who knows. I suppose the way we met has meant that we bypassed the chit chat and the getting to know you stuff and we talk about things that I would never say to my mother or my sister. It means I can write things to her that I know so few people in the 'other' world will ever understand.

I wish Sarah and David all the strength and love in the world.



xxx

little girl Hope

It was Hope's first birthday last week.

The anniversary of her birth and death. 2 words that never should be in the same sentence - birth and death.

We all thought of Hope and her wonderful parents and this terrible loss. But, I also thought of the support and kindness that Sally has shown me over this past, long, long, almost year.

I found Sally's blog after reading her comments at Glow in the Woods. I guess I stalked her a little, trying to find if she too had a blog. I had been reading the blogs of many people in other countries and felt I needed someone closer to home, someone physically near me in this awful journey. And I found her and her blog. So beautifully written, so tragic and so deeply moving.

I think of her little girl and I think of my little girl. Two sweet girls that don't get to grow up and make the world a better place. Two sweet babies that never got the chance. Like all our babies. If only the story had been different.

the days disapear

I have been feeling like that days are going so fast, disappearing before my eyes. It feels like it is always the weekend again and I am not sure where the week went. I have even started to feel panicked about it, like I am losing my control over time.


I was telling my friend, who is a true friend, and she said that when she has a deadline (she is a writer and editor) or when something is approaching, she feels like that too. It took me a minute but then I realised that something is approaching. Of course I had not forgotten, I think about it all the time. But I think though I had forgotten how losing Alice Buttons effects my subconscious, my dreams and my everyday.


I may not talk about Alice all the time, or write about her all the time but, she is the person that effects my day, my thinking, my dreams and my time.